I'm not ready

'I'm not ready,' says Ryan. Ryan, in his early 20s has not begun to understand things around him. This small voice in him has deterred him from asking help from people around him. Egoistic as one can see but not all can understand the reason behind his refusal. Not even help from people he will accept. Hands are extended but are always returned empty handed. Being his good friend since primary, Leo approaches and asks, 'Why are you still being like this?' Not that he does not know the answer and yes! He has not been able to understand. Not even he himself despite being recognised by most people to be Ryan's good friend. Countless of time thesame has been asked yet it falls on deaf ears. It seems to him that the answergiven in the past can no longer be used since they are now young adults. Thingshave to be understood by simple logic and sound reasoning. Ryan cannot justbrush it off like he used to do when both of them were much younger. That iswhat Leo has been thinking.

In retrospect, Leothinks he will be given an acceptable answer if not explanation of his behaviour given that they are nowliving in a world where things cannot be swallowed without logic. Then, again,the same old answer, 'I'm not ready,' says Ryan. Leo frowns and bites his lips.Seeing this, Ryan knows he can no longer be able to escape this time. He hasbeen thinking hard these few days owing to the fact that what had happened thelast few days. This time round, he is ready to face Leo, his poor friend whomhas been trying to understand his idiosyncrasy. He is trying to make it a pointwhere his behaviour is notvis-a-vis the incident happened a few days ago. Leo laments, 'I'm not going toreiterate the same thing. This has got to be stopped or at least give me areason. You're making people around you uncomfortable. Can't you see it? Can'tyou feel it?' Ryan knows, and at this point, he chooses to be silent. He wantsLeo to finish expressing himself before he explains himself. Seeing Leo at thisstage, he knows he can no longer be selfish. He must say it. What had beenkeeping inside of him for many years are about to be revealed.

While Ryan is about to spill the beans, he recaptures the feeling when he first started to behave in such a way. Like any other kids, Ryan found himself to be no special or whatsoever. Classes, school bell, and canteen. He was once a very jovial person in his school. Primary school time was the most fulfilling period ever in his life- as far as he is concerned now. Here during this period, he met lots of friends, people who had no idea why they were even here in the first place- school. Crying on the first day of school, the second day of school, the third day of school, gosh, the crying lasted for a fortnight as far as Ryan could recall for himself. In his first class, he met two ordinary friends whom he had no idea at that time that they would be his good friends later on in his life. They are Leo and Max. Living in the 90s you could hardly find electronic devices like what we have today, so a plastic ruler was the entertainment at that time. Not until Ryan's first plastic ruler was broken that brought the first tears to Leo amidst the three of them- Leo, Max, and Ryan. Ryan was surprised not because of the broken ruler but the broken Leo! Leo was playing with Max using Ryan's ruler and an incident occurred. The rulers fighting akin to sword fighting could be imaginative but the fun wasreal.

He couldn't helppondering about the past which had given him so much experience bothbitter and sweet. After all, they are the experiences causing him to carryhimself this way. Ryan by nature isn't a person who loves to tell anyone abouthis problems ranging from home to school. He keeps mum on these all the time,focusing on what is important to him believing that time should be given sometime to cure the situation. It had never occurred to him, all these have beenhaunting him, eating him from the inside. Maybe he’s a slight knowledge butchooses to ignore for they're too insignificant to harp. However, things don't stopthere, they just don't. They’re rotting and causing Ryan to act verydifferently from others. It wasn’t until at the age of fourteen that he beganto realise he’d changed. Slowly, he continues tomonitor his own behaviour, to compensate for what he’d done,being aggressive was one of his notable traits, he tries to show kindness andsympathy to others.

It’s this friend, Sam who Ryan was very closed to. Sam was not an extraordinary student in the school but he was humble and Ryan had no idea that Sam would be his worst enemy in the future. Sam was chosen to lead a student body of the school. Like other students, he was very happy but at the same time had no confidence in himself. He garnered sympathy from his other friends and they were all standing behind him through thick and thin. Ryan was the most notable and faithful friend to Sam at that time because Sam would call him and discuss many things with him. Their friendship was so strong that many considered them to be brothers.

Sam, at that time, tried to gain confidence from his fellow friends because not many were supportive of his leadership. Well, he got what he wanted- his friends’ confidence in him. Least to his expectation, Ryan was the one helping him all the way throughout his leadership. Not only he did not appreciate Ryan’s effort, he betrayed him and stole all his merits. Sam was a very meticulous person and he had planned this from the start. To him, nothing is more important than fame and power. Poor Ryan, all he wanted was friendship. A good one, a strong one, and on top of all, an honest one.

Ryan could not help but never again to accept help nor help others since then. He wrote a letter to Sam, not to only express his feelings but also to end their friendship besides cancel all the pacts that they had made between them when Ryan was still considering him as his bestfriend.

In his letter, he wrote: Many years had passed and somehow or rather, small and insignificants things have become a problem. A big problem I would say. Small they are when they stand alone. The problem comes when they are collectional. Collecting them piece by piece and soon they erupt. Many will say, or more politely 'would' say- let bygone be bygone, forget the past, don not be too strong holding on grudges etc but to me, all these are bullshit. Out of ten persons, nine will never put themselves in your shoes when they advise with such nice and promising quotes they can ever find in this world. You wonder what will happen to the last one and might even want to argue that at least there is one that really understand you and the world is not that bad after all and be grateful. Let me tell you this, the last one is a fence sitter. He or she will never give a shit to what you are saying. Do not even bother to put he or she in to claim credit.

Problems should be looked, considered, and attended individually. Yes, but when they are insignificant, you will be told, ‘Stop making a mountain out from a molehill.’ Again, these small insignificant things begin to match with their counterparts and hence- A BIG PROBLEM. Looking at the recent concluded overwhelming problems or should I say challenges had really put on the button. It is far more imaginable that a person with such high education would act in a manner where it could not be condoned at all. I had never been so sure in my life and this time, it has really kicked off the threshold in me. Needless to say, I was at rage.

Rage has never given a positive result and this time, no exception either. Considering the facts that things cannot be solved according to the peaceful way, then it's the- my way. Frank Sinatra had said it and I don't wish to repeat. Wished that I would feel sympathy or sorry for the counteraction but it is so strange that such feeling does not exist anymore. Not even a second to it. Though I reckon that things will be looked in a different manner when rage has left, to no avail. Perhaps the feeling is too genuine to be fooled.

Reason why the feelingfailed to be nourished positively is due to the fact that it has been replacedby disappointment. A feeling that comes close to no end, if yes, not in thenearest time that one can ever imagine of. Regardless of all reasons, onecan always see the truth although it has been doubtlessly denied. It is thebond- friendship that shows it. The heart will speak when you really listen toit. Yes, I have always believed in mutual effort in maintaining a friendshipbut the stronger I hold to this principle, the more I feel agitated.

I do not wish to be left out and with that, I am going to chase my own destiny through my own way. No emotional moments anymore after this as I have set out to be free. Free from delusion. They have to work on their own. I accept the way they are. My hands extend no more and I will keep them safe from harm. Just a simple goodbye to bid a warm and emotional farewell to the old me. Goodbye and I wish you well in your future endeavours.

Coming back to their conversations- Leo and Ryan, Ryan starts expressing himself this time, to Leo that is. His crystal like tear can be seen clearly by Leo. Leo knows he has just triggered Ryan’s bitter and painful experience but he does not care because he knows if he were to keep mum again, he could not imagine how long this poor Ryan would keep things to himself and eventually burst into proportions. Ryan musters all the courage he can and starts explaining how he is traumatized by his past. Leo shows his sympathy but refutes what Ryan has said about all people are the same. ‘No true friend in this world!’ He exclaimed. Slowly, Leo persuades Ryan to involve in an English camp organised by the English Language society at the varsity that they are currently studying at. Ryan rejects at once but slowly gives in as he does not like doing something new or more precise, scared of trying new things.

The English camp goes on as planned and both Leo and Ryan are now at the student’s lounge discussing about their experiences during the camp. Ryan looks very happy now for he has determined to turn over a new leaf and more importantly starts learning to trust again. At this point, Leo laments, ‘Once again, effort is what makes a difference. We don't have to compete with others or consider others' negative or demotivating opinions. We just need to remain focused on what we want to do. Doing it differently from others doesn't mean it can't work. We can choose to be safe by doing the same thing over and over again or we can do something new. The result may not be as good if we choose to do new things but we're able to develop new things, platforms, objectives, and more importantly we can challenge our thoughts. Personally, I do not emphasise much on the results as they vary accordingly. I am more concerned about learning from the process. We cannot aim for perfection as once a thing is perfected, we cannot move further, we will not be able to acquire new knowledge, improve, and we will be stagnant.’